Mississippi Homeboy Throwdown: Chapter 1 (Politically Incorrect Version… consolidated… expanded… edited….)

Sitting outside the local Vietnamese restaurant… Pho Shizzle… enjoying an iced coffee… made fresh at my table…. Soaking in the oppressive heat and humidity…. Hoping my shirt is soaking up my sweat…. But it’s starting to tickle just a little bit… running down… there….

I feel a little embarrassed at the moment… but not as embarrassed as I probably will be when I stand up… looking like I just went… SOMEWHERE… in my shorts….

Anyway….

Oppressive heat and humidity ALWAYS make me reminisce about home….

So… I worked on consolidated and expanding the lyrics to Mississippi Homeboy Throwdown: Chapter 1 (Politically Incorrect Version)….
I wrote a bit last week that I was afraid might be perceived as being offensive to some. So… I left it out of what I posted….
Certain events of this weekend suggest I should not be so timid….
So… here it is….

Mississippi Homeboy Throwdown: Chapter 1 (Politically Incorrect Version).

07 May 2015 0808-0956
07 May 2015 0648-0807
07 May 2015 1019-1025
07 May 2015 1100-1210
11 May 2015 1017-1122-1522

Well… just for some perspective… I sure LOVE to clown around….
I was born in Mississippi… and this is MY Homeboy Throwdown….
Suppose I should just kinda warn ya’ll all… you know… about my Home Town….
While I throw down these Beastie lyrics… and lay down this Phat Sound….
First… let me tell ya’ll all just a little ‘bout myself….
I ain’t gonna invade your home… drink up all the Hennessey U got on your shelf….
(Nothing. Like. THAT!!!)
My first name is Johnny and my daddy’s J.N.
I ain’t no John or Jonathan… so let me say it again….
My first name is Johnny and my daddy’s J.N.
Those is the names my momma gave me and his momma gave him.
I ain’t no Hip-Hop artist… not even Old School….
And I ain’t signed with Def Jam Records… Nope. I’m just some old fool….
So I sure ain’t no Gangsta Rapper. I don’t wear my pants low.
Cuz showin’ off your underwear just ain’t cool way down in Shady Grove!
(Shady Grove, my little love,
Shady Grove, I say.
Shady Grove, my little love,
I’m bound to go away….)
Yep, I was once a Mustang… went to school in Soso…
And when we really wanted to get WILD… we’d cruise on out to Gitano….
(That don’t even rhyme….)
So… was I ever in a gang…? Well… I sure ain’t no Blood or Crip,
So… this may be my Throwdown… but don’t confuse me… with Busta Phat-Lipp….
Now… I ain’t no politician… so I can drop all ya’ll some TRUTH….
As Mr. Shakespeare might say… harken up to this Forsooth!

Well… I was born in Mississippi down in that Free State of Jones;
Down here we’ve got two County Seats cuz we just can’t seem to get along.
I’m Southern and I’m Christian and ExtrEMELY Wright-Wang.
I think Ronnie was a Commie. That’s just the way I schwish-ZWANG!!!
(Liberals can’t understand: It’s a Conservative thang.)
Well… I schwANG to the right, and then I swang to the… right….
I never swing to the left. I guess probably just too uptight….
Now if I want to hold on to my gun and Bible, that’s my Constitutional Right.
And if you don’t try to force your views down my throat, then we ain’t gotta fight. (Swallow THAT!!!)

Well… I ain’t agin no Muslims and I ain’t agin no Jews…
I ain’t agin no Atheists… I just think everyone should be FREE to choose….
So… I ain’t agin no Hindus… and I sure ain’t agin no Jains…
And though I’m Christian & Conservtive… I think I should just treat EVERYONE the SAME!!!

U C… I ain’t agin Hispanics… and I ain’t no Blacks….
But we’re all in this boat together… so we can ALL drop our attacks….
I KNOW I’m a pasty white boy… and I know some of us are jerks…
But we ALL need to get more learnin’ so we ALL can get TO WORK!!!

Now… WORD to Left-Wingnuts… we ReDNeX all ain’t the same….
We’re all believe in HARD work… and some… even have some brains….
We all love our COUNTRY… and some love our guns….
Some love our God… but ALL of us LOVE to have fun….
(Let’s get REAL… bad….)
If police profilin’s so bad… then why ain’t that rule applied to ALL
Cuz when YOU claim all of us are stupid… you’re just pinnin’ our profile TO YOUR WALL!!!
So… you can STOP all your h8n… blovi8n… and SHI-zzle….
While I drop this bacon in the fryin’ pan…. Ah-h-h-h! Just listen to that SIZZLE!!!

I may not float like no butterfly; I sure don’t sting like no bee.
I may be just a phew pounds phatter than Michelle thinks I ideally SHOULD be….
But I love my Ward’s Chili Cheese Dogs and my PDI shakes…
And I pick up the bill for all Barack’s golf and all Michelle’s Hawaiian Clam Bakes.
Yep, I’m paying for her well-planned meals. I’m even paying for her chef….
I think it sure would be nice… if she’d let me help myself… to what’s left….
So now… I’m gonna thump my Bible and my Bros gonna grab some guns
And all my posse’s gonna saddle up and we’re all gonna have some fun….

(Hey, Sheriff! Wait up! We SUPPORT Law Enforcement!
Wait UP!!!

Hmmmmmm….
Wat DIS…???
Mmmm-MMMM! Fam’ly pic-ah-nic-ah! That’s what I’m talk-n ‘bout!
N da HOUSE!!!
N da yard.
Down da street….
Whatever….
Yo…! Aunt Play-N!
Gimme a heapin’ heppin’ of some of Aunt Hospital-I-T’s Straight Gangsta Mac & Cheese…. An’ summa Aunt Ain’t-Too-Slim Shady Grove’s 2-Chees-E E-Z Grits & Groundhog Gravy…. An’ summa Baby Girl Double-D Tata-Z’s Xtra-cur-V Cute Curly-Q Franch Fry-Z… wit a whoppin’ dollop uh dat mAY!-YO!-nAzE…. NO! Not that taste-free low-Phat shizzle!
Do I KNOW that’s about 20 servings of starches an’ about uh whole BUTT load uh triglycerides an’ utter phats…?
Uh-HUH!!!
I ain’t touchin’ dat Bar-b-Q-D Sum-kinda-sump’n-sump’n meat-on-a-sheet…. Wud is dat? Smelz like Polecat-R-Sump’n-Sump’n an’ he’s way up dar in Tennessee!
Who died an’ elected U Michelle O-mercy!
And if that clogs up my veins… I’ll just go 2 Community 2 C ol’ what’s-his-name…. That bald heart doctor….
Dr. Drea-D Big Need-L.
Yeah!
An’ Dr. Got-2-pAY!K-ash sUrE-kUrE….
YO-LO!!!

Dang! Forgot to get the Chili-Cheese Fries….)

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