My Search for Oneness.

Spent a lot of time recently… and not so recently… trying to understand how things fit together….

Microeconomics, Macroeconomics, Science, Technology, Religion, Philosophy, Psychology, History… Music… Sex… Interpersonal relationships… Geography… EVERYTHING….

God….

WHY????

Maybe… it’s just me….
Probably is….
I’m just that way….
Way out…. Weird…. Whatever you want to call it….
Always have been….

And… really… I have no desire to change….

Sat at Starbucks in Acton, Massachusetts yesterday with a friend of mine from church…. Well… we sat outside…. In the 25 degree cold… with our jackets open… no gloves… and I was sipping Iced Green Tea….
We’re trying to get a REAL Men’s Group going… for REAL men… at church…. We’ve had a bunch of 0630 Wednesday morning meetings… and seemed to be stalled… until THIS Wednesday….

Neither one of us is married. Both of us thought that we were doing what God wanted… but it didn’t work out… and it wasn’t our choice….

How do you go about discussing such crushing disappointment…? I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’m the only one who ever felt it…. Frustration….

Obviously some people are hurt or frustrated enough to turn away from God…. To openly criticize God…. Religion…. Faith….

I don’t. My friend didn’t. We both believe that everything happens for a reason. But… what…?

God…. I thought I was doing YOUR Will…. Obviously I was WRONG….
But…. What do I do now…?

Looking back…. My Ex seemed to be in competition with me…. And… I ain’t… soft…. I don’t pull punches….
I expect excellence from myself…. From my kids…. My colleagues…. My friends….

Mostly myself…. Then my kids…. Because… it’s important to try your best…. Look critically at yourself….

I don’t aim to be critical. That’s not my purpose. I’m trying to be realistic…. To point out flaws… so they can be corrected…. Like I work on correcting my own….

Apparently…. Not everyone wants to work on improving…. Most want to be accepted…. Overlook their flaws…. Expect other people to overlook them, too….

Should I do something second… or third… or fourth rate… that can be done first rate…?
If someone you loved were my patient… would you want me to let my fellow do a lousy job…? Just accept ANY result…?

I’ll leave you to think about that…. And move on to one last idea….

While I was driving today… I thought of a line….

I tried to accept you for who you were, but I couldn’t… because you have shown so many people so many faces that you thought they expected to see… that you lost touch with who you really are….

How can anyone who’s living a lie ever really be true to themselves or anybody else…?

They can’t…. No one can….

THAT’S why I try to honestly look at myself. The ugliness inside. Not accept my mistakes. Admit them. Try to change.

I’m not perfect…. Far from it…. I have enough flaws to keep me busy working on them for the rest of my life…. It’s like peeling an onion….

I am truly sorry for offending everyone I offended… and will offend….

And… I’ll keep working to change….

And… I believe God is One….
And… everything good connects through him….
And… one day… I will understand….

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